101 Reasons Why We Left Islam – Chapter 2: Women in Islam – Reason 11
Islam claims to have the perfect model for marriage. To demonstrate this, we will be presenting the Islamic marriage through the key concept of Mahr (Dowry or Bridal fee). At the face of it, Islamic marriage appears to be a simple contract between two people who wish to marry each other and, therefore, consistent with current practices. But that is not the case. The problem with man-made rules is that they are not fail-proof; they prioritise men and leave loopholes. Next, we will be presenting the Quranic and Hadith verses, followed by commentary:
Quran 4:4
“Give women ˹you wed˺ their due dowries graciously. But if they waive some of it willingly, then you may enjoy it freely with a clear conscience.”
— Unlike other cultures, Islam came to give the dowry directly to the woman rather than to the parents. That said, in many Arabic and Islamic cultures, the wife would deposit or save that money with her parents for a variety of reasons but mainly to protect it from the husband. Less common, some agree on two instalment dowries. One for marriage, and one should the husband decide to divorce. This way, the parents of the wife can set a high value dowry that is affordable for the husband but protects the wife if he decides to divorce.
Quran 4:20
“If you desire to replace a wife with another and you have given the former a stack of gold ˹as a dowry˺, do not take any of it back…”
—This verse is important; it indicates an example of what the dowry can be – ‘stack of gold’- and as such, gold has become the tradition of dowry in many Arab and Muslim countries. It is also important because it make it a command not to take that money back if the husband decides he wants to divorce and marry another woman.
Quran 4:25
“But if any of you cannot afford to marry a free believing woman, then ˹let him marry˺ a believing bondwoman possessed by one of you. Allah knows best ˹the state of˺ your faith ˹and theirs˺. You are from one another. So marry them with the permission of their owners, giving them their dowry in fairness, if they are chaste, neither promiscuous nor having secret affairs. If they commit indecency after marriage, they receive half the punishment of free women…”
— This verse makes the case for men who cannot afford a dowry. Again, this proves that the cost of dowry is not cheap. What can men who cannot afford a dowry do? Take a slave woman from the war bounty slave. She has to be a believing woman, meaning Christian or Jew. Notice the sneaky translators tried to use a different term to deflect what the word means ‘bondwoman’. No, this is not James Bond woman! This is a slave. What if you do not have slaves yourself? Buy one from a slave owner, which suggests they would still be cheaper than a stack of gold!
Quran 2:237
“And if you divorce them before consummating the marriage but after deciding on a dowry, pay half of the dowry, unless the wife graciously waives it or the husband graciously pays in full. Graciousness is closer to righteousness…”
— Here, we get an indication of what the dowry is about. It is about the ‘consummation’ of marriage – i.e. sex. If the husband decides after sex that he does not want to be with her, he loses the dowry. It does not matter if it is a few hours after sex; she is now damaged goods, and she keeps her dowry. If the husband cancels before sex, then he is entitled to half the money. Beyond linking the dowry to sex, it is associated with tribal and cultural beliefs that cancelling the marriage is likely due to the wife being difficult or having some issues – which renders her a defective product anyway.
Now for the loopholes:
Quran 4:19
“O believers! It is not permissible for you to inherit women against their will or mistreat them to make them return some of the dowry ˹as a ransom for divorce˺—unless they are found guilty of adultery. Treat them fairly…”
— This verse tries to address a loophole but, in reality, opens a dangerous loophole. Men wanting their dowry back, which could be stacks of gold, mistreat women and beat them as verse 4:34 permits until the women beg for divorce and give up their dowry. But as this verse tries to say, ‘do not do that…’ it opened a loophole to say ‘…unless they are found guilty of adultery.’ This verse is an absolute disaster! It has become the go-place for every disgruntled husband whose wife wants a divorce, to accuse her of adultery, or to have an interest in another man! Pushing the wife to forfeit the dowry peacefully and avoid accusations of adultery that, even if not proven, can forever damage their reputation. This has become a pandemic issue that divorced women face in Islamic cultures, and just having the label of divorced means they are likely to be unfaithful. You can watch here a video by a Muslim convert complaining about this particular issue and how widespread it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVzZsW4kOFw
Note something very clear here: marriages are contracts the husband pays, and the wife fulfils. And the Hadith gives us many stories, and here is one:
- Narrated Aisha: The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: The marriage of a woman who marries without the consent of her guardians is void. (He said these words) three times. ‘If there is cohabitation, she gets her dower for the intercourse her husband has had.’ If there is a dispute, the sultan (man in authority) is the guardian of one who has none.
https://sunnah.com/abudawud:2083 – Grade: Sahih (Al-Albani)
Love was rarely a reason for marriage in 7th century Arabia. In the few cases of love stories, we see in the form of poetry between two “crazy” people. Marriage was just a Nikah Contract or “contract to sexual intercourse” as the Quran and Hadith confirm. Therefore, in the common Arabic language, the word Nikah means to f**k. And this contract is not fulfilled until she is nailed. We saw examples of that earlier in Reason #6 for underage marriages and the multiple hadiths that referred to the Prophet marrying Aisha at age 6 but not consummating the marriage (completing the contract) until she was 9. Honest Islamists make no excuses for this. They accept sex as the reason for the marriage contact in the first place.
The reason why many Islamists call for boycott of Valentine’s Day is because it suggests that love is a celebration between two people and therefore is key to a successful marriage. Furthermore, it suggests “she” has a part in this contract. The minute you legitimise the concept of ‘love’, she gets a right to say no. And they do not want that.
Issue 11.1: Women are not selling their private parts for the purpose of marriage. In Islam, marriage is all about starting a family, and sexual relations are the core element of it. It is not about the wife not providing sex, but instead, it is about the wife not providing an opportunity to make the family. If, for any reason, she refuses or is unable to or lies about her virginity, then this invalidates the contract. The Prophet (PBUH) did not always marry virgins or young girls, proving that it is not about virginity or sexual organs. Feelings change and love is unstable, Islamic marriages have far less divorce rate and produce less dysfunctional families.
Issue 11.2: Islam failed to protect women and left an obvious loophole that was exploited initially when men used to abuse women to the point they would beg for divorce and be willing to return their dowry. By the time a verse did come down to close a loophole, it opened another. Unfortunately, the Prophet did not live long enough to close that loophole. Leaving women at the mercy of their husbands in abusive relationships.
Apologist Response:
Issue 11.1: Women are not selling their private parts for purpose of marriage. In Islam, marriage is all about starting a family and sexual relations is the core element of it. It is not about the wife not providing sex, but instead it is about the wife not providing an opportunity to make the family. If for any reason, she refuses or is unable, or lied about her virginity, then this invalidates the contract. The Prophet (PBUH) did not always marry virgin or young girls, proving that it is not about virginity or sexual organs. Feelings change and love is unstable, Islamic marriages have far less divorce rate and produce less dysfunctional families.
>> Our response: Islam could have been forward-thinking in making compatibility and companionship key to any marriage. In a world that is overpopulated and has limited resources, the quality of life depends on making the correct decisions that would help develop a healthy family and not popping out babies. Making the focus of a relationship about making babies renders the Islamic approach more like farming children. Marriage in Islam is about sex, and we know this from the Prophet himself. Aisha would have been very young to be pregnant at 9, and the Prophet wanted to divorce Sauda because she was old, fat, and ugly. He only kept her because she begged him and gave up her ‘sex night’ to Aisha*! And there is evidence from the Sunnah that the Prophet preferred younger virgin girls, not for making children but for fun**.
*https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3230 & https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3237
** https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5367
Issue 11.2: It is not easy to accuse someone of being unfaithful, as the Quran makes it clear they need four witnesses. So, men who want to use this approach to blackmail women into giving up their dowry will fail. There is no loophole here to start with, and thus, there was no need to close it.
>> Our response: In many Muslim or Arabic communities, just the suggestion that a woman is having an affair or wants to leave her husband for another man is enough to label her as adulterous. It is common for disgruntled men to accuse their wives of physical or emotional infidelity as a default. The threat of making that claim is enough to destroy a woman’s reputation completely. Thus, men continue to blackmail women without the need to find witnesses. Some may go as far as inventing witnesses from friends and family to frame women.
Final Thoughts:
The system is not safe-proof. This system is a 7th-century system that is completely out of date. Nowadays, we accept that if a man or woman wants to end a relationship, they should not need to jump hoops or loops. There is a body of research that shows dysfunctional families where husband and wife do not get along and constantly argue can be more traumatic and longer lasting damage than divorce. In Reason #12, we read about the ridiculousness of the divorce system and how men and women are treated completely differently because the assumption remains – that men have paid; therefore, they get more rights than women.