101 Reasons Why We Left Islam – Chapter 2: Women in Islam – Reason 12
In Islam, all a man needs to do to divorce his wife is to simply say ‘Talaq’ (divorce). That is it. No Sheikh, no guardian, no witnesses, no one other than the wife needs to be there! Women do not have this right. If they seek divorce, they need to provide evidence of abuse and seek family court and Islamic authority who will need to intervene. It is they who decide to grant her a divorce, and these authorities are run by men. Reasons like “I do not love him”, “He doesn’t provide me and the children with good living standards,” “He hits me,” or even “he married another woman behind my back” will not work. In modern times, Islamic counselling may be offered, but it tends to try to coerce the wife rather than blame the husband. On the other hand, the husband simply can say ‘talaq’ (divorce), and he is divorced. What happens if the husband divorces three times or says divorce three times in a row, in anger or otherwise? Now, she cannot legally marry until she marries (and sleeps) with another man. This is sometimes referred to as Marriage Halala.
The three divorces are not directly mentioned in the Quran. One verse hints that if a man divorces his wife, she becomes haram on him “until after she married another man…”
“So if a husband divorces his wife ˹three times˺, then it is not lawful for him to remarry her until after she has married another man…”
https://quran.com/2/230
We established in Reasons#11 that a marriage contract is not completed until they have sex. So, in this context, she has to marry and have sex with another man, after which he divorces her so she can go back to her husband. The number ‘three times’ is in brackets and is added by the translators because the verse does not say it. So, where did the number come from? The number has come from the Hadith.
We counted some 117 Hadith specifically on this topic. Many are classified as “Sahih” (Authentic). Thus, there are very few who dispute it. Here is an example:
Nafi’ said:
- When Ibn ‘Umar was asked about person who had given three divorces, he said, “Would that you gave one or two divorces, for the Prophet (ﷺ) ordered me to do so. If you give three divorces, then she cannot be lawful for you until she has married another husband (and is divorced by him).”
Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5264
https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5264
The rationale presented at the time is that there needs to be a limit to the number of times a husband divorces and marries his wife; otherwise, men would divorce their wife’s willy nelly. Divorces will become meaningless. Having a limit with a consequence is good and allows the couple to consider the repercussions of their decision. But who is getting punished here: The man, the woman, or both? There is a risk they both take here. If the new husband refuses to divorce, there is absolutely nothing they can do. Therefore, it is the husband who makes the arrangements for this Halala marriage by deciding someone trustworthy who is going to marry his wife. There is now a thriving business run by Mullahs and Sheikhs who promise to marry, nail the wife, and return her to the husband the next day for a fee. Yes, you heard this right. They even get paid to do this. These men are intentionally picked to be old, ugly and out of shape, so the wife would not be tempted or enjoy the experience. The ridiculous rationale of paying someone to sleep with your wife so that he returns her to you the next day in order that she can go back to her family and children. Have you ever heard of anything this messed up?
Issue 12.1: Isn’t it obvious to any rational person reading this that the source of the problem is how Islam made it very easy for the husband to divorce? This comes from the rationale that men paid for the marriage, and therefore, they have more rights than women. This builds our point that Islam sees women as object beings that belong to the men who ‘paid’ for it. Therefore, men have more rights than women. If it is not about this, then why are men given this right and not women? The husband calls the three divorces, sometimes in anger. Now she must marry and sleep with some creepy old man so she can go back to her husband and their children. Why is the wife being punished? This is both twisted and sick.
Issue 12.2: If the purpose of this is to stop divorcing and taking back becoming a game, then the Prophet simply should not have made it so easy for a man to divorce by simply saying “Talaq”! The Prophet could have made the process involving a waiting period of two weeks and consultation with family or Qadi (Judge). At the end of 14 days of separation, the husband is asked again to confirm his decision, and if he retracts his decision, then they go back to each other.
Apologist Excuses:
Issue 12.1: When it comes to impulsive decisions, women are known to be more emotional than men. Meanwhile, men tend to be more rational than women. This is not a stereotype but a fact. You forget that there are financial and emotional implications for the men as well. After a divorce, the man loses his dowry. He has to propose again and pay a new dowry. This is costly. If he did it three times, he would face the reality of his wife marrying another man. Emotionally, this is very distressing for any man to accept. Islam provides a good balance of punishment for both if they do not exercise restraint.
>> Our response: Anger is an emotion, and men are known to get trigger-angry a lot faster than women. For example, we have some Islamic judges banning divorce in Ramadan because men are easily triggered when fasting and end up divorcing their wives for not having the food ready for Iftat (breaking fast). We are not arguing to make divorce as easy as saying ‘talaq‘ for men or women, but rather have a process that is equitable and with a cooling period. The emotional distress that women have from being practically forced to have sex with a stranger just to be able to go back to her husband and children is ridiculous and sadistic! As for the dowry, often it is forgiven or reduced significantly. The wife would have invested interest in returning to her husband and children. The remarriage would not have a ceremony for it. It is done behind closed doors with a simple Nikah contract. Men, however, still feel in control. They take their pick that would otherwise be more punishment than pleasure.
Issue 12.2. What makes you believe that couples will not abuse this process and be indefinitely on and off even with a cooling period and counselling? Having a serious emotional punishment on both couples has helped many to be careful not to use divorce as a tool or a joke. Constant going back and forth will have a detrimental impact on the children.
>> Our response: It is hard to deny that having cooling periods and/or counselling is the same or worse than handing a wife to another man to sleep with her. The emotional impact on the wife, husband, and even the children is huge! As Islamic as it may seem, it amounts to a form of infidelity. There needs to be a study on how this impacts the family, something we all know Islamic scholars will strongly resist.
Final Thoughts:
As hard as some apologists and Islamists have tried to justify divorce and Halala marriage, they have failed to find a logical explanation when we have more reliable ways to engage in an equitable and fair divorce. Reading the Hadith, you see how many cases of this triple divorce the Prophet had to deal with. He opened the door for easy divorce and spent his time trying to fix it, believing that the threat of ending the marriage or sex with another man would stop it, but it did not. Women are being coerced to have sex with a stranger just to be able to go back to their husbands and children. There is man-thinking behind every aspect of the marriage and divorce process in Islam, and it is hard to see how an all-knowing and all-merciful god can be behind these ridiculous ideas.